A reflection on the festive period

As I've mentioned previously I am the Christmas Queen. It is my favourite time of year and I am over excited every single day during the Christmas period. But, this year felt different. I struggled a lot with my mental health at the end of last year and this really affected my thoughts during the festive period.

Like many during the festive period I spent a lot of time with my family, I absolutely loved having my sister and her now fiance (eek!) home a lot during Christmas. However, this year I found myself feeling inadequate more than ever. Since dropping out of my third placement at university and deciding not to become a teacher right now, I feel like I let everyone down and that now I can never do anything right. I know that isn't the case and that people are proud of me and that no one actually thinks that, but this is my brain and that's how it likes to work.

I did loads of festive things that I would have loved any other year. I went ice skating with some special needs boys my mum used to look after and I did have a good time but looking back on it I faked that happiness. I fake happiness a lot. I  need to learn not to fake it and just try to have a good time no matter what I'm doing.

One festive activity I genuinely loved was going to the garden centre, having breakfast with my brother and Dan and going to see the real life reindeer. I do this every year and I dragged them along. It actually felt Christmassy and this smile.....was genuine. You have to remember sometimes its the little things.

This brings us to Christmas eve. We went out for dinner with my Dad's side of the family which was lovely then, we went to the pub. I wanted to leave about half an hour after arriving. Sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I don't want to be anywhere but asleep. I stayed a few hours (go me!) then went to bed. That brings Christmas Day. Opening presents from everyone and giving the presents I bought for people I felt genuinely happy. Then after all that excitement passed I could feel myself going downhill. I kept muttering to myself "not today, not today". I needed to keep myself busy so I walked to the pub with my brother and Karl (my sister's fiance, eek!) Then when we got back I read a bit of my book and then we had dinner. More genuine happiness. Then everything stopped. I went to the kitchen to see my Grandad who was washing up because I needed a hug and didn't want to make a scene. Then I stood by their back door (it's like an old stable door where the top half opens) and I was breathing in the air and I just cried. Then my sister came over and talked to me and after talking a few minutes she said

Your feelings don't turn off just because it's Christmas. You can't expect all your thoughts to disappear just for one day.

She is absolutely right. So here is your little reminder. That just because it's the new year and everyone is motivated, it's okay if you only just about manage to have a shower. It's okay, if it's your dad's birthday and you don't want to be there because the thought of being anywhere but in your bed makes you cry. It's okay if it's Valentine's Day and you're having a down day. Unfortunately, we don't choose down days, they choose us. Sometimes you can't fight them. Just because it's a special day of the year, doesn't mean your mental health disappears for a day. 

I hope this helps just one person who reads this.