Mental health and me

It's taking a lot to write this post and actually tell people about what has been going on the last few months. But it's important to talk about mental health as it is gradually losing it's stigma and people are realising that it is just as important as physical health. Anyway, I guess this is my mental health story.

Let's rewind to GCSE's. Little 15-16 year old Tyler stressed out too much for her own good because she was a perfectionist and couldn't bear to let anyone down. But I stressed to the point where I would make myself ill all the time and this continued through my GCSE's and through to my A levels so I guess that is where it all started. I've always been a stress head and I don't react well to stress at all. My body completely freaks out and I make myself so ill then I stress out more about being ill and you can probably understand that its a vicious cycle.

Fast forward to when I went to uni which is obviously a daunting and nerve wrecking time for anyone, moving into a flat full of people you don't know and mingling with people you've never met before pretty much every waking moment of the day. But for someone who stresses out as much as I do will understand that it was so much harder than that for me. It was at uni that I confided in a counsellor and it turns out all the times I thought I was just "stressing" about my exams and just being a normal teenager and stressing about things and making myself "ill" I was actually having panic attacks. All. The. Time. It is true that you don't really know what is happening when you're having a panic attack for the first time because unless you've had one you have no idea what it is or what it feels like.

So I continued with my counsellor whilst I was at uni but then in January this year my panic attacks worsened and I was having multiple in a day. I couldn't leave the house, I would just be lying in bed and have this dreaded feeling of panic come over me. It was then that I decided that I needed some help and went to my GP. They prescribed me propanolol a drug usually given to regulate blood pressure but also has benefits for anxiety sufferers as it lowers the heart rate and can help with uncontrollable body shakes. Let me tell you I was on the highest dosage of this that they could give someone of my age. I also had online CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) where I learnt to manage some of my panic symptoms.

Fast forward a few months and it's September. My panic attacks were more manageable and less frequent. I started a new term at work and I thought everything would continue as normal. I could not have been more wrong. The third day back at school after the summer holidays I woke up in tears with constant shaking. I couldn't compose myself and I ended up having to call in sick to work. The next two weeks I called in sick half the days I was supposed to be at work because I was just crying and worrying and couldn't get motivated to do anything. Anything was hard work for me and I found everything so difficult to do. Even things that I would normally enjoy. I wasn't getting any joy out of the things I would normally love doing. I went back to my GP and I filled out some questionnaires and it was no surprise that I came up with literally full marks on the anxiety questionnaire but what was more of a surprise was that I scored extremely highly on the depression questionnaire. I couldn't quite believe it because I was like me, depression? No. I have nothing to be sad about I have an amazing boyfriend, amazing family, amazing friends and I love my job. But, depression doesn't mean you have to be sad about something in particular somedays I just feel sad. For no reason at all. I cry for no reason more than I would like to admit. The GP prescribed me a smaller dosage of propanolol to keep managing my panic symptoms but also prescribed me sertraline, an antidepressant.

A couple of months later and here I am. I've called in sick a total of 10 days since September because I just couldn't manage to do anything. But I have done 2 full weeks at work (go me!) and I've simplified everything else in my life so I can focus on work which is the most important thing  I have to do. As long as I manage to go to work I don't have to do anything else but if I feel well enough then I can do anything else I want.

The lows are still frequent, I have days where I'm on cloud 9 and then I come crashing down again. But remember, please, recovery isn't linear. I haven't felt okay for a very long time but they are definitely more manageable now. I still have crippling anxiety and panic attacks from time to time and I cry more than a 22 year old in my situation should.

This was difficult to write but it is important to talk about these things because if one person reads this and thinks that they are not alone, then that's good enough for me.